Saturday, September 8, 2012
Michelle: A woman wrote us to ask for some advice. She?s 38 and she has no suitor, except for someone who has been courting her for three months now. She said she doesn?t like him because she thinks he is not smart enough. But he seems to be a good person. Should she give him a chance?
I cannot answer her question unless she answers two of mine. And if she can answer my two questions honestly, I think she can decide whether or not she should give the guy a chance. First question: Does she want to give the guy a chance because he seems to be a good person even if she thinks he?s not smart enough, or is it because she has no other suitors? Second question: If the answer to the first question is ?because the guy seems to be a good person,? does it really matter if the guy is not smart enough?
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DJ: I honestly don?t know exactly what she meant by "he is not smart enough." Is this about the aspect of knowledge and logic? Or is this about the agreement between his subject and verb? What I do know is a smart person usually likes to be with a smart person. A couple needs to intellectually bond. We all have our essentials. These are the ?must haves,? the qualities we find important and would rather not trade for anything in the world.
We also have our preferences, qualities we find awesome in a person, which we can concede after some careful thought. These are the ?nice-to-haves.? What I suggest is for her to pause, think, process and figure out where the grey matter between his ears would fall. Is it an essential or a preference?
M: I think it is important for someone who is considering entering into a relationship to know his essentials from his preferences. Intelligence is important but does a high IQ translate into a meaningful or successful relationship? EQ has a big impact on whether or not a relationship will be a mutually beneficial one. However, who wants to marry someone with the intellect of a gnat?
I think everyone wants to improve his or her progeny, but a relationship isn?t just about what one person?s wants or needs. Since the woman is thinking of whether or not to give the guy a chance, I think it is more important that she go over her own expectations rather than that of her family or even the society?s.
DJ: I can tell her that a Ph.D. in social science is not a requirement for a person to be intellectually appealing. What a couple needs to have are good interactions that they both generally enjoy. These can be about experiences, about their views in life. They need not agree in all things. But I do think it?s necessary to have a general core of understanding, finding a common ground. It?s about how these differences enrich their experiences together. While I also understand her doubts about the guy not being smart enough, I still think she also needs to consider how he loves her, respects her and takes care of her because these matter too aside from having those non-stop intelligent conversations.
M: Being 38 and single is not a cause for anxiety or embarrassment. And marriage is not for everyone. One can be happy being single just as someone who is married may be miserable with his or her lot. Being in a romantic relationship does not complete a person. If one enters into a relationship just for the sake of being in one, it does not make for a healthy and happy relationship.
We are told to invest our money wisely. With more reason we should choose and invest wisely in our relationships. In an article by Kiri Blakely, which I read on the Internet, it says ?it?s not that the older women have learned to ?settle,? but rather they?ve shifted their priorities, something that tends to happen with the onset of life experience and maturity.? So to the woman who asked, here?s something to ponder about: You are going to end up 40 one day and you should consider yourself lucky that you did (ask), whether you are single and unattached or in a relationship. And as for the not-so- smart, I think you should credit him with enough smarts for choosing you.
DJ: Deciding to be in a relationship is about readiness, not about loneliness. Ultimately, love is not only about finding the right person. It?s about being the right person too. Whether or not she gives him a chance, it?s still up to her. And I pray she?ll make a good choice.
(ssinglestalk@yahoo.com)
Published in the Sun.Star Cebu newspaper on September 09, 2012.
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Source: http://www.sunstar.com.ph/cebu/lifestyle/2012/09/08/moises-and-mendez-palmares-whether-or-not-241720
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